I recently received the DNA lab results from Ancestry.com. A
few months ago I decided to exam my heritage to find out if my enormous penis
intelligence was somehow genetically linked to anyone famous . It turns out it
is, if by famous you mean well known for committing crimes. Well, not really
crimes, just being drunk a lot in public.
But more on that later. Here are my results:
According to their analysis, I’m mostly central European,
which I pretty much already knew. What did surprise me is that it turns out I’m
6% Neanderthal. Which I guess shouldn’t
shock me considering I do have the occasional caveman tendencies like hogging
the remote, drinking milk from the carton, and running into caves swinging my
club yelling “Gaur demands the women and wine!” But I guess the real
surprising part to me was learning the fact that modern humans, also known as Homo
sapiens, had sex with something technically considered a different species. But
then again I’ve had pretty nasty sexual encounters with some women that could
fall into that category so who am I to judge what our ancient ancestors considered
‘do-able’. So here’s where the real interesting part comes in. I get a message
from Ancestry telling me they found documents matching our family surname to a
well known man from Scotland named William McBrody (somehow the Mc got dropped
from our last name within the last hundred years) and they were excited to
share the news. In my delight I’m thinking “Wow, am I related to a king? A
nobleman? A knight? Someone with money I could inherit?” Anything is better
than the clan I grew up with. Turn out this William McBrody wasn’t exactly the bourgeoisie
gent I had imagined. Although he was well known in parts of Glascow, this McBrody
was more famous for his drunken escapades than any righteous endeavors. Think
of him as the medieval version of Otis, the town drunk of Mayberry. Apparently
they were able to dig up an old manuscript that contained the criminal records
of those incarcerated in the kings jail, and that’s how they indentified our famous
infamous relative. It reads (transcribed from Latin)
On this day, March 5th of 1562, William McBrody
was arrested and dutifully charged with “Public Loudness under the influence of
Drink.”
And another…
On this day, August 16th of 1564, William McBrody
was arrested and dutifully charged with “Possession of a Stolen Steed (horse)
while causing Public Loudness under the influence of Drink.”
And again…
On this day, April 23rd of 1565, William McBrody
was arrested and dutifully charged with “Defecation with Injury” (you can interrupt
that how you want) with, you guessed it, “Public Loudness under the influence
of Drink.”
But my favorite has to be:
On this day, May 9th
of 1566, William McBrody was arrested and dutifully charged with “Public Blasphemy
of the King” (under the influence of drink no doubt). Turns out a group of the royal
soldiers came through the village tavern singing the praises of Charles II, then
king of Scotland. After leading the entire bar in three choruses of “God Bless
our King!” McBrody interrupted the festivities by singing his own version of the
Latin song, replacing the lyrics with “Pedicabo Equos Regem!” which, loosely translated
means “The King Fucks Horses”. Not surprisingly,
the royal soldiers were not amused. After serving 23 days in jail and fined,
ironically, three Scottish crowns (the name of the currency back then), McBrody
was allowed to return home a free man, albeit leaving whatever pride he had
left. The story does have a happy ending however. Although some may say a lesser
man would be broken after years of drinking and petty crime, William eventually
bounced back and married at the ripe ol’ age of 32, which was pretty late back
in those days. His wife, a well-to-do maiden named Mary McCain, would turn out
to be my mothers great, great, great, great, great, grandmother. Although not extravagant
or royally connected, their family were known as affluent land owners and
highly educated for the time. Although someone apparently dropped the ball
along the way considering the house I grew up in was closer to a shoebox than a
castle.
So what have I learned from all of this? Today we have
amazing technology at our fingertips that allow us to trace our heritage right
down to the exact location on our planet. We can share our thoughts and ideas
about what we’ve learned from our ancestors with others across the globe. But
most importantly, I’ve learned to never be afraid to confront your past, even
if it may involve a little bit of “Public Loudness under the influence of Drink”.
