Time for Another ATS Video

I forgot about this one, it was filmed last spring summer (2015). Enjoy....

They Threatened to call Airport Security on Me

Did I have a loaded handgun in my luggage? No. Was I too intoxicated to make it through the boarding gate? No. Well, close but not really. Here's what happened. I was waiting for my departure out of San Diego at Limburg Field Airport when I approached the Starbucks counter and ordered my usual. "I'll have a hot venti white chocolate mocha please." The lady responded, "Would you like whip cream on that?" "Yeah, sure. By the way, I have a free reward on my phone." I said in kind. She rang it up and had me point my device towards the scanner. "Bleep", nothing happened. "Can you try that again sir?" I try it again with no luck. I look at the expiration date, it says Feb. 16th. I tell her the code: 571. She gives me a puzzled look and says, I've never heard of that code. I tell her I use it all the time, I'm a Starbucks junkie. She runs it again to know avail when suddenly the other barista comes over and says, "Oh, that looks like a corporate code. We are a franchise. We only accept birthday or 519 franchise codes." I tell her thanks and maybe I'll stop back. As I turn around I hear "Hey! Your drink is already ready. You have to pay for it." I should have just ignored her but here's where things went from bad to worse. I walk back and say "No where on my app or on the website does it say anything about some codes being only for franchise and some for corporate only. I've been using codes forever and have never had one fail yet." At this point I should have just whipped out my wallet and paid cash but it was buried in my trolley bag and I needed to board my flight. She says if you walk away I'm calling airport security. Yes. This fucking happened. Can you imagine hearing over the intercom, "Security needed in front of Terminal 2. Customer refusing to pay for his Starbucks coffee." I told her I had a code when I ordered. It was her fault that she didn't verify it before she rang me up. The Starbucks motto "It's right or it's free" didn't apply this day. More like "It's wrong and you get nothing." Ugghhh.. now I have to drink the stuff they call 'coffee' on the plane. 

Worst Metal Album Covers of All Time

When I think of heavy metal artwork, I think of brutal imagery like the electric chair from Metallica's Ride the Lightning album or Slayers demon collage on Reign in Blood. So when I had the chance to visit an actual record store last weekend for the first time in years (San Diego's Record City), I forgot just how truly bad some of the album covers from yesteryears metal bands really are. Here's my pick of the top three worst album covers of all time.

#3 Steel Panther "Balls Out"

Sure this 2013 release by the modern purveyors of hair metal Steel Panther provides lots of fun, beer drinking, pussy chasing music ala the 3 W's (Whitesnake, White Lion, and Winger), but the album cover makes us shake our head... what the f*ck were they thinking?

#2 W.A.S.P. "Animal - F*uck Like a Beast (live)"

W.A.S.P. and their hit 'Wild Child' was one of my favorite 80's metal songs growing up. It fit so well in between Motley Crue's 'Shout at the Devil' and Judas Priest's 'Turbo Lover', but this song (and the album cover that accompanies it) was just straight up perverted, sexist, and degrading. Tacky is one thing, but this...?

#1 Scorpions "Virgin Killer"

Really? This 1977 album by the Scorpions was supposably their managers idea at the time, and was a European release only.  Can you imagine this thing being released today? For God's Sake...*smh

Honorable Mentions...Any metal album that shows someone getting drilled in the face!

My 2AM Yelp! Rant. Damn You Alcohol!

Want Awkward? Walk into a room and shout "Jesus!"

I Got Banned from YouTube ?!

Earlier this year I posted a video titled "Crazy Russian Hacker - You've Been Masturbating Wrong." It lasted all summer, than suddenly I get this notice in my inbox:

This video has been removed as a violation of YouTube's policy against spam, scams, & commercially deceptive content.           

What the hell? The video contained no profanity. No nudity. I wasn't selling anything or redirecting anyone to another webpage. It was simply a parody of the popular life hack series 'Crazy Russian Hacker' made by a guy who isn't even Russian. I've appealed and I'll let everyone know when I recieve the update.  In the meantime, I'll still be making content. They can't stop me! mwahhhaha!

Favorite Drug of Choice for Lottery Winners... Crack!

I went on a binge of a different sort this weekend. After staying up watching an old documentary on E! titled something to the effect of 'Top Ten Worst Lottery Disasters' I spent the rest of the night researching and examining many stories of people who won tons of money, only to lose it almost immediately. And guess what crazy demon keeps coming up... drugs. Not just any drug, but crack cocaine. Why the hell of all the drugs in the world to abuse would you use that one? Like the story of William Post from Oil City, PA who won $16.2million and became a crack addict. Maybe they started at something else but if I had that much cash flow to blow (no pun intended) I'd be using pure powered cocaine like Tony Montana at the very most. What happened to indulging in the finest wines? The best herb from around the world? Maybe even afford to take a trip vacation to visit a shaman and have an Ibogaine experience while recovering in an exclusive spa. But why do I keep reading "within 18months they were hooked on crack." Then again Whitney Houston could afford all of these luxuries and she was the world's best known crackhead (although a highly talented one). Houston was known to carry around an elegant $8000 handmade Hermes purse from France with a secret pocket for her crack pipe. So if you won the lottery what kind of drugs stuff would you buy?

Someone Stole My Car !

Some idiot stole my car in the middle of the night between June10th-11th. It was parked in a private lot in Rancho Bernardo. It is a white Dodge Grand Caravan plate#6TQV774. the VIN is: 2B4GP44GXXR379479. $ Reward for recovery of this vehicle, thank you.I hate thieves !

More Awkward Stories !

Pretty Fly for a White Guy

My First Attempt at a Meme

Geddy Lee vs. Shaft (let the battle begin)

Top 5 Things I Would Change About Myself

Why it’s a bad idea to climb a rock wall if you’re fat.

Recently I thought it’d be a good idea to get in shape. Actually, my wife thought it’d be a good idea. And by good idea I mean basically shape up or get duct taped for snoring in bed. Yes, I have sleep apnea, and it sucks. So I thought to myself, what would be a good alternative sport to try that doesn’t involve moving at a rapid pace, or preferably moving at all. Golf? Nah, too slow. Bowling? If you’ve ever seen professional bowlers, I’m sure you’d agree it somehow makes your beer gut worse. So after much derision, I decided to try the only exercise I’m pretty much guaranteed to not fail at…yet. It’s called walking, and that’s exactly what I did. Luckily I live in San Diego, and the weather is pretty much as good as one could wish for this side of the Northern Hemisphere.  

Soon after I began my quest I came across something I’d never experienced before, it was called a gym. But this wasn’t just any gym, this was the Mecca of all things active and healthy. The home of hardbodies at San Diego State’s campus, the SDSU Aztec Recreation Center. I wondered in and took a look around on my free tour. Treadmills..nah. Weights… that looks like work. Then I saw it, like a beacon of hope in the nighttime sky. Like an oasis in a thirsty desert (thirsty desert?).  It called to me, and I answered the call. It was the all-mighty Rock Wall. After taking a 20 minute first time introduction course, I was all set. I strapped myself into the harness, tightened up my shoes, and proceeded to climb the wall with all the excitement of a child on a new playground. Except this child was 30lbs overweight, and the harness apparently didn’t appreciate that. I got stuck on the rock wall. Let me repeat that. I literally got stuck on the rock wall. It appears that the student guide that day was apparently hung over and decided not to show up, and the person in charge had tried to calibrate the locking mechanism themselves. Now I did go to college, and I even managed to somehow graduate, but my degree was in Art, not Engineering. But I do know that something that locks is supposed to unlock at some point. I got a ways up the wall and then I heard a loud bending noise. Suddenly I found myself hanging with a locked rope, and I could only climb up from there. It was like the Gods were somehow taunting me to make it all the way up, like this was fates way of saying, “If you don’t finish this now, we’re never breaking heavy machinery for you ever again.” I started to ascend up the wall, and then it dawned on me. Even if I make it all the way up to the top, how am I going to get down? It’s not like they have a ladder built into the side of this thing. I was screwed, and I let everyone in the gym know it by yelling, “I’m screwed!” The stand-in guide for the day asked what was wrong and I told him that the rope was not moving, and I was ready to come down. After about three more “Okay, try it now!” the guide walked away while mumbling “Shit, this isn’t good.” You never want to hear that phrase come out of someone’s mouth who happens to be in control of your physical well being, trust me. After hanging there for what seemed like an eternity, I finally made the brave decision to release the harness myself and drop down to the floor. Thud! 

Luckily I was okay, the padded floor saved me. It may have only been three feet, but that drop was downright scary. I picked up whatever was left of my pride and left a note in the equipment suggestion box on the way out that simply read “Rock wall broke – sincerely, sore fat guy.”This is why it’s a bad idea to climb the rock wall if you’re fat… what goes up always comes down, even if it takes a little bit longer to get there.

My Incestry.com Results Came In (I’m 6% Neanderthal...Yeah!)

I recently received the DNA lab results from Ancestry.com. A few months ago I decided to exam my heritage to find out if my enormous penis intelligence was somehow genetically linked to anyone famous . It turns out it is, if by famous you mean well known for committing crimes. Well, not really crimes, just being drunk a lot in public.  But more on that later. Here are my results:

According to their analysis, I’m mostly central European, which I pretty much already knew. What did surprise me is that it turns out I’m 6% Neanderthal.  Which I guess shouldn’t shock me considering I do have the occasional caveman tendencies like hogging the remote, drinking milk from the carton, and running into caves swinging my club yelling “Gaur demands the women and wine!” But I guess the real surprising part to me was learning the fact that modern humans, also known as Homo sapiens, had sex with something technically considered a different species. But then again I’ve had pretty nasty sexual encounters with some women that could fall into that category so who am I to judge what our ancient ancestors considered ‘do-able’. So here’s where the real interesting part comes in. I get a message from Ancestry telling me they found documents matching our family surname to a well known man from Scotland named William McBrody (somehow the Mc got dropped from our last name within the last hundred years) and they were excited to share the news. In my delight I’m thinking “Wow, am I related to a king? A nobleman? A knight? Someone with money I could inherit?” Anything is better than the clan I grew up with. Turn out this William McBrody wasn’t exactly the bourgeoisie gent I had imagined. Although he was well known in parts of Glascow, this McBrody was more famous for his drunken escapades than any righteous endeavors. Think of him as the medieval version of Otis, the town drunk of Mayberry. Apparently they were able to dig up an old manuscript that contained the criminal records of those incarcerated in the kings jail, and that’s how they indentified our famous infamous relative. It reads (transcribed from Latin)

On this day, March 5^th of 1562, William McBrody was arrested and dutifully charged with “Public Loudness under the influence of Drink.”

And another…

On this day, August 16^th of 1564, William McBrody was arrested and dutifully charged with “Possession of a Stolen Steed (horse) while causing Public Loudness under the influence of Drink.”

And again…

On this day, April 23^rd of 1565, William McBrody was arrested and dutifully charged with “Defecation with Injury” (you can interrupt that how you want) with, you guessed it, “Public Loudness under the influence of Drink.”

But my favorite has to be:

 On this day, May 9^th of 1566, William McBrody was arrested and dutifully charged with “Public Blasphemy of the King” (under the influence of drink no doubt). Turns out a group of the royal soldiers came through the village tavern singing the praises of Charles II, then king of Scotland. After leading the entire bar in three choruses of “God Bless our King!” McBrody interrupted the festivities by singing his own version of the Latin song, replacing the lyrics with “Pedicabo Equos Regem!” which, loosely translated means “The King Fucks Horses”.  Not surprisingly, the royal soldiers were not amused. After serving 23 days in jail and fined, ironically, three Scottish crowns (the name of the currency back then), McBrody was allowed to return home a free man, albeit leaving whatever pride he had left. The story does have a happy ending however. Although some may say a lesser man would be broken after years of drinking and petty crime, William eventually bounced back and married at the ripe ol’ age of 32, which was pretty late back in those days. His wife, a well-to-do maiden named Mary McCain, would turn out to be my mothers great, great, great, great, great, grandmother. Although not extravagant or royally connected, their family were known as affluent land owners and highly educated for the time. Although someone apparently dropped the ball along the way considering the house I grew up in was closer to a shoebox than a castle.   

So what have I learned from all of this? Today we have amazing technology at our fingertips that allow us to trace our heritage right down to the exact location on our planet. We can share our thoughts and ideas about what we’ve learned from our ancestors with others across the globe. But most importantly, I’ve learned to never be afraid to confront your past, even if it may involve a little bit of “Public Loudness under the influence of Drink”.

Find your inner Neanderthal today by visiting Ancestry.com