It's a DBC Marathon from yours truly. The last ones!

oohh that one was awkward....

Commute with me?

Pretty Fly for a White Guy

Time for Another ATS Video

I forgot about this one, it was filmed last spring summer (2015). Enjoy....

They Threatened to call Airport Security on Me

Did I have a loaded handgun in my luggage? No. Was I too intoxicated to make it through the boarding gate? No. Well, close but not really. Here's what happened. I was waiting for my departure out of San Diego at Limburg Field Airport when I approached the Starbucks counter and ordered my usual. "I'll have a hot venti white chocolate mocha please." The lady responded, "Would you like whip cream on that?" "Yeah, sure. By the way, I have a free reward on my phone." I said in kind. She rang it up and had me point my device towards the scanner. "Bleep", nothing happened. "Can you try that again sir?" I try it again with no luck. I look at the expiration date, it says Feb. 16th. I tell her the code: 571. She gives me a puzzled look and says, I've never heard of that code. I tell her I use it all the time, I'm a Starbucks junkie. She runs it again to know avail when suddenly the other barista comes over and says, "Oh, that looks like a corporate code. We are a franchise. We only accept birthday or 519 franchise codes." I tell her thanks and maybe I'll stop back. As I turn around I hear "Hey! Your drink is already ready. You have to pay for it." I should have just ignored her but here's where things went from bad to worse. I walk back and say "No where on my app or on the website does it say anything about some codes being only for franchise and some for corporate only. I've been using codes forever and have never had one fail yet." At this point I should have just whipped out my wallet and paid cash but it was buried in my trolley bag and I needed to board my flight. She says if you walk away I'm calling airport security. Yes. This fucking happened. Can you imagine hearing over the intercom, "Security needed in front of Terminal 2. Customer refusing to pay for his Starbucks coffee." I told her I had a code when I ordered. It was her fault that she didn't verify it before she rang me up. The Starbucks motto "It's right or it's free" didn't apply this day. More like "It's wrong and you get nothing." Ugghhh.. now I have to drink the stuff they call 'coffee' on the plane. 

Worst Metal Album Covers of All Time

When I think of heavy metal artwork, I think of brutal imagery like the electric chair from Metallica's Ride the Lightning album or Slayers demon collage on Reign in Blood. So when I had the chance to visit an actual record store last weekend for the first time in years (San Diego's Record City), I forgot just how truly bad some of the album covers from yesteryears metal bands really are. Here's my pick of the top three worst album covers of all time.

#3 Steel Panther "Balls Out"

Sure this 2013 release by the modern purveyors of hair metal Steel Panther provides lots of fun, beer drinking, pussy chasing music ala the 3 W's (Whitesnake, White Lion, and Winger), but the album cover makes us shake our head... what the f*ck were they thinking?

#2 W.A.S.P. "Animal - F*uck Like a Beast (live)"

W.A.S.P. and their hit 'Wild Child' was one of my favorite 80's metal songs growing up. It fit so well in between Motley Crue's 'Shout at the Devil' and Judas Priest's 'Turbo Lover', but this song (and the album cover that accompanies it) was just straight up perverted, sexist, and degrading. Tacky is one thing, but this...?

#1 Scorpions "Virgin Killer"

Really? This 1977 album by the Scorpions was supposably their managers idea at the time, and was a European release only.  Can you imagine this thing being released today? For God's Sake...*smh

Honorable Mentions...Any metal album that shows someone getting drilled in the face!

DESOXYN ?

Are you overweight? Feeling tired and groggy at work? Want to look and feel your best? Try some Crystal Meth Desoxyn! Yes, methamphetamine is completely legal and technically a Schedule II substance in the USA, and doctors (albeit rarely) still prescribe Desoxyn (pharmaceutical meth) for narcolepsy, chronic obesity, and other various illnesses. I love how they used to put these ads in womens magazines (the one above is from 1960) and catered to housewives that wanted to look their very best for her husband when he came home and still managed to stay motivated enough to keep the house clean, probably many, many times over.

*on a side note, Cocaine and PCP are also listed under Schedule II. See your doctor today and ask if Methamphetamine is right for you. Side effects may include sweaty skin, heavy breathing, addictive drug seeking behavior, and cardiac arrest leading to sudden death.

My 2AM Yelp! Rant. Damn You Alcohol!

Korean Phone Message ?

My phone suddenly decided to start speaking Korean! Can anyone translate? It won't turn on... it just shows this screen....WTH?

Want Awkward? Walk into a room and shout "Jesus!"

I Got Banned from YouTube ?!

Earlier this year I posted a video titled "Crazy Russian Hacker - You've Been Masturbating Wrong." It lasted all summer, than suddenly I get this notice in my inbox:

This video has been removed as a violation of YouTube's policy against spam, scams, & commercially deceptive content.           

What the hell? The video contained no profanity. No nudity. I wasn't selling anything or redirecting anyone to another webpage. It was simply a parody of the popular life hack series 'Crazy Russian Hacker' made by a guy who isn't even Russian. I've appealed and I'll let everyone know when I recieve the update.  In the meantime, I'll still be making content. They can't stop me! mwahhhaha!

Favorite Drug of Choice for Lottery Winners... Crack!

I went on a binge of a different sort this weekend. After staying up watching an old documentary on E! titled something to the effect of 'Top Ten Worst Lottery Disasters' I spent the rest of the night researching and examining many stories of people who won tons of money, only to lose it almost immediately. And guess what crazy demon keeps coming up... drugs. Not just any drug, but crack cocaine. Why the hell of all the drugs in the world to abuse would you use that one? Like the story of William Post from Oil City, PA who won $16.2million and became a crack addict. Maybe they started at something else but if I had that much cash flow to blow (no pun intended) I'd be using pure powered cocaine like Tony Montana at the very most. What happened to indulging in the finest wines? The best herb from around the world? Maybe even afford to take a trip vacation to visit a shaman and have an Ibogaine experience while recovering in an exclusive spa. But why do I keep reading "within 18months they were hooked on crack." Then again Whitney Houston could afford all of these luxuries and she was the world's best known crackhead (although a highly talented one). Houston was known to carry around an elegant $8000 handmade Hermes purse from France with a secret pocket for her crack pipe. So if you won the lottery what kind of drugs stuff would you buy?

How to Make Your Drum Set Look Like New (Sorta)

Okay, no matter what kind of musicial instrument you play, I'm sure you've noticed that after a few years of playing on stage or in the garage all that wear n tear has taken it's toll on the beauty and luster of your instrument. Being a drummer, I accepted long ago that my primary way of making noise involved hitting pieces of wood as hard as I can repeatably. I gladly accepted that responsibility since age 16, but at some point it's nice to turn back the dial on the time machine and make your instrument look like it did when you first played it. Today I'm going to show you a quick and easy way to change the look of any drum set.

As a drummer, I've owned many kits over the years, my first being a sparkly, pewter colored beauty I called 'The Gold Gremlin'. The bass drum head had these mail box size decals that read "The Quarrymen". Classic rock fans may know that name as the very first moniker used by The Beatles. Over the years, depending on my budget, I 've played everything from an all maple DW Collector Series to an old four piece Tama Rockstar I picke up from Craigslist for $300. Right now I'll take you step by step on how to recover the shells of the drums. The drum set I'm using is a beater kit I purchased from a yard sale for $150. It even included cymbals (nothing great...a 16" Meinl HCS crash with Zildjian ZBT Hi Hats and a 20" Ride). The brand on the kit says 'SUNLITE' ?. Never heard of it, but apparently the former owner played in a band called ROCKET SURGERY. Neat.

What you'll need to complete the transformation: NOTHING (well not really, but I'll get to those things)

It took me about 3 weeks of looking before I found this kit and I got it for the sole purpose of messing around trying to customize it. 

As you can see in the photo the original color of the kit is metallica maroon/wine red, a popular color for kits because it looks good under stage lights. The first thing I did was remove all the hardware from the shells. You only need a drum key or tiny socket and a phillips screwdriver. Once all the rings and peg machines have been removed use a clean towel to wipe any dirt away from the inside and outisde of the shell. Now at this point you can just throw a bunch of stickers over the shells or paint them. I chose the latter. Since these cheap drums are actually just a thin wrap around cheap wood, there was no sanding involved. In fact I didn't even prep the surface. I didn't prime it. I didn't condition it. I simply bought about $10 worth of cheap spray enamel from Home Depot and sprayed away. Make sure you're in a well ventalated area and the shells are off the ground (I mounted them on card board boxes) while coating them. I decided to use white for the shells and black for the hardware including the lugs. You may want to use some gloves so you don't get paint on your hands. No compressor or respirator required. I taped off the kick drum rings.Wait overnight. The nexy day I mount everything back up and you're good to go. The only downside is that if you do rim shots off your snare your stick with take some of the paint and transfer it to the head.  I found a used Pearl bass drum head online with double resenators and a pillow to put inside and I was ready to go. Of course I slapped on an Apple logo sticker on the kick drum for good measure (yes, I'm a geek). My iDrums are now ready to rock. This is what the kit now looked like when finished:

So let's take this a step further shall we? Let's say you want some crazy pattern but don't want the time or expense of cutomizing the paint. Sure, you could have an airbrush artist do something sick, but let's say you have a gig that night and you want to change the appearance of your trap kit without having to wait for the pain to dry. Solution, make your own wraps! Well, actually here's what I did. Home Depot, Lowes, even places like Wal Mart sell cabinet & cupboard liners. They're like giant rolls of thick stickers that people sometimes put inside drawers and other utilities. As I was pulling into the store the radio started playing Ratt's Round & Round so of course that was stuck in my head the entire time I'm shopping. I bought a huge 20in by 22ft roll of this stuff for under five bucks. So which pattern did I choose? Oh 80's you always seem to capture my heart so easily. Zebra Striped Print it is...

Next we just repeat the same steps we took last time. Remove all nessesary hardware, no prep needed. Measure the circumference of each shell (most are 13",14", and 16" but they can vary). Use a scissors or box blade to cut the liner. Lay the drum flat on the laminate and just roll, peeling and sticking as you go. This whole process took me about four hours. 

 Tip: After applying use the tip of your screwdriver to pop through the liner and expose all nessesary holes for vents and hardware.

Once everything has been reassembled you're good to go! This is what it looks like:

As far as durability goes, I've been jamming on these bad boys for about 4 months now, and I've only put a small rip in the side of the floor tom from accidently dropping it. It's just a small tear that's barely noticable. Bobby Blotzer circa '85 here I come!

[Any questions just leave me a comment below]
 

Someone Stole My Car !

Some idiot stole my car in the middle of the night between June10th-11th. It was parked in a private lot in Rancho Bernardo. It is a white Dodge Grand Caravan plate#6TQV774. the VIN is: 2B4GP44GXXR379479. $ Reward for recovery of this vehicle, thank you.I hate thieves !

More Awkward Stories !

Pretty Fly for a White Guy

My First Attempt at a Meme

Geddy Lee vs. Shaft (let the battle begin)

Top 5 Things I Would Change About Myself

A Guy Could Never Get Away With This...

In this day and age of posting selfies all over the internet, can we just take a break from the vanity of these images that say "Look at me! Being a bit out of shape is empowering, look at my curves, I like me." I agree that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, but imagine if a dude posted a pic with that phrase. It would be a total joke. Like that picture of Jason Alexander shirtless on the couch they use to sell in every college campus book store. I'm out of shape myself, but I don't go around wearing it like a badge of honor for attention. Sorry, but nobody wants to see Chumley from Pawn Stars flaunting his gut. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Selena Gomez is a nice, talented actor, and she's not even fat imo. But her music is exactly what's wrong with the industry today. You go from the Disney Channel, to recording an album called "Selena Gomez and The Scene" Please just stop. There is no band called The Scene behind you, just mega producers programming your music. That is something the record executives came up with to try and give her some credability before she 'offically' goes solo. You think her and her band were out busking for quarters on the street and playing dive bars before they became famous. This is all a manufactured marketing strategy. But these celebrities posting these pics all over Twitter has to stop. It reminds me of when that narcissist Tyra Banks went on her talk show defending fat pics that were taken of her by the paparazzi on a beach. She tells her female audience, "Yeah I got a jelly roll, and I love every extra inch!", and of course the whole audince goes crazy. Then three months later she's back telling her crowd "I've lost 14lbs and look at me now. Tyra's back!" Kim K has to be the worst at this, she's a complete attention whore, famous for being famous. (I have a story about meeting her husband Kanye West but I'll save that for another time) Sorry for the rant, but these celebrities who constantly revel in their own ego just irk me to the bone. This post may not fall under music or comedy, but it is one of my many thoughts on life so there you have it. Maybe next week I'll post a selfie with my shirt pulled up (ala Situation from Jersey Shore), except my six pack is in the negatives. Hmmm, then again...     

Why it’s a bad idea to climb a rock wall if you’re fat.

Recently I thought it’d be a good idea to get in shape. Actually, my wife thought it’d be a good idea. And by good idea I mean basically shape up or get duct taped for snoring in bed. Yes, I have sleep apnea, and it sucks. So I thought to myself, what would be a good alternative sport to try that doesn’t involve moving at a rapid pace, or preferably moving at all. Golf? Nah, too slow. Bowling? If you’ve ever seen professional bowlers, I’m sure you’d agree it somehow makes your beer gut worse. So after much derision, I decided to try the only exercise I’m pretty much guaranteed to not fail at…yet. It’s called walking, and that’s exactly what I did. Luckily I live in San Diego, and the weather is pretty much as good as one could wish for this side of the Northern Hemisphere.  

Soon after I began my quest I came across something I’d never experienced before, it was called a gym. But this wasn’t just any gym, this was the Mecca of all things active and healthy. The home of hardbodies at San Diego State’s campus, the SDSU Aztec Recreation Center. I wondered in and took a look around on my free tour. Treadmills..nah. Weights… that looks like work. Then I saw it, like a beacon of hope in the nighttime sky. Like an oasis in a thirsty desert (thirsty desert?).  It called to me, and I answered the call. It was the all-mighty Rock Wall. After taking a 20 minute first time introduction course, I was all set. I strapped myself into the harness, tightened up my shoes, and proceeded to climb the wall with all the excitement of a child on a new playground. Except this child was 30lbs overweight, and the harness apparently didn’t appreciate that. I got stuck on the rock wall. Let me repeat that. I literally got stuck on the rock wall. It appears that the student guide that day was apparently hung over and decided not to show up, and the person in charge had tried to calibrate the locking mechanism themselves. Now I did go to college, and I even managed to somehow graduate, but my degree was in Art, not Engineering. But I do know that something that locks is supposed to unlock at some point. I got a ways up the wall and then I heard a loud bending noise. Suddenly I found myself hanging with a locked rope, and I could only climb up from there. It was like the Gods were somehow taunting me to make it all the way up, like this was fates way of saying, “If you don’t finish this now, we’re never breaking heavy machinery for you ever again.” I started to ascend up the wall, and then it dawned on me. Even if I make it all the way up to the top, how am I going to get down? It’s not like they have a ladder built into the side of this thing. I was screwed, and I let everyone in the gym know it by yelling, “I’m screwed!” The stand-in guide for the day asked what was wrong and I told him that the rope was not moving, and I was ready to come down. After about three more “Okay, try it now!” the guide walked away while mumbling “Shit, this isn’t good.” You never want to hear that phrase come out of someone’s mouth who happens to be in control of your physical well being, trust me. After hanging there for what seemed like an eternity, I finally made the brave decision to release the harness myself and drop down to the floor. Thud! 

Luckily I was okay, the padded floor saved me. It may have only been three feet, but that drop was downright scary. I picked up whatever was left of my pride and left a note in the equipment suggestion box on the way out that simply read “Rock wall broke – sincerely, sore fat guy.”This is why it’s a bad idea to climb the rock wall if you’re fat… what goes up always comes down, even if it takes a little bit longer to get there.