A Bunch of Old Crap I Still Use

Let The Celebrity Literary Battle Begin!

Yeah… I was that guy.

So what did I do before I became a writer and comedian? Remember that douchebag from your high school that walked around acting like he was black? No, that wasn’t me, but pretty close. I was actually a hip-hop DJ. I’m not fucking kidding. When most people think of DJ’s nowadays they think of Avicii, Deadmaus, Calvin Harris, etc. But this was the 90s. Music like 2 Live Crew and Sir Mix-a-Lot were the rage. When I was 16 I went to a dance party and noticed two things out of place. #1) The guy playing the music was ugly. #2) The girls around the guy playing the music were not ugly. A light bulb went off in my head, and then shorted out. I instantly came to the conclusion that if you can make someone dance, that was a good thing. I started out with speaker equipment I borrowed from my uncle who played in band, and bought turntables and a stack of old vinyl from a Mister Money pawnshop my cousin worked at. I taught myself how to mix. Soon I was playing basement parties around our neighborhood. Within two years, I was playing bars and clubs around the University of Chicago. During the day I was taking art classes at a local community college, and then I would take a bus downtown and play music all night, sometimes not getting home until the morning. I wasn’t making a lot of money, but it was fun considering I wasn’t even old enough to be in most of these bars. That’s where I got the name DJ Kidd. People thought I was nine years old, so I always wore a hoodie and grew stubble (hence the pic). Soon after I turned 21, a rep from Anheuser-Busch came out to see me and signed me to a promotional contract. It was a program called True Music Live. They had bands also, one of them was an up and coming group from Chicago called Fall Out Boy. As part of the deal, I had to promote Budweiser products. In fact, the day Dale Earnhardt died, I was performing NASCAR trivia at a karaoke event when I heard someone yell, “Hey, turn the music down, The Intimidator crashed!”As I looked down, my next trivia question was, you guessed it, “How many races did Dale Earnhardt win?” I guess to make up for pulling me out of class to play at these daytime tractor pull events, once a month they would FedEx a box full of Fubu sweaters and some hats with whatever company uses that elephant logo. I felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but more like Eminem at night and Larry the Cable Guy during the day. Eventually I lost my sponsorship after showing up at a regional directors meeting in Sun Prairie Wisconsin high on Ecstasy (you can hear that story on my podcast).

 As I got older and more into writing, I decided it was time to move on. After many drinks, a few few late nights, and much reckless behavior, I moved to California at the ripe ol’ age of 25. Occasionally I still perform at events, although these days they are much more reserved (hence the other pic). Who knows? If you see me someday at your wedding supplying some fat beats, come up and say hi. Just please don’t call me DJ KIDD. 

You've Been Masturbating Wrong! - [Crazy Russian Hacker Parody]

Tanner Blaze is Back !

Herpes at Church!

I got into a Twitter war with Taylor Swift's Guitarist

Okay, let me just start this post off by saying I don't completely hate pop music, or country music, or rap music. I respect all genres. I really do. But I'm a rock guy, plain and simple. I play a real instrument. I write real songs with real musicians. So what I saw the other day just made me run to Twitter... and oh how I wish I hadn't. After watching Taylor Swift perform live on TV, two things stuck out. First, I realized I knew her guitar player (Grant Mickelson - we went to the same high school), and two, his guitar wasn't even plugged in. (In all fairness, he may have been using a wireless transmitter.) Then, I realized something else. Are there even guitars in Taylor Swift's music? I mean, the old stuff sure, you hear some. But the new stuff? It's all programmed drivel. EVERYTHING. What happened to real instruments? So I followed Grant on his feed and within the course of maybe 6 weeks, he posted picture after picture of guitars that I could only dream of owning. "Hey guys, I just picked up this killer '59 Les Paul Gold-Top once owned by Jimi Hendrix.. see you at the next show Tokyo!" FML. Remember the guy in school whose parents bought him that super fast sports car and a week later he wrecks it so they buy him another one? Or he ends up burning out the clutch on his Mustang because he never learned how to drive a stick shift? Grant is this Napoleon looking, eye liner wearing, spandex leather clad wannabe douchebag who stands up there pretending to play rock star every night because he happened to make the right connections in Nashville or wherever the hell Big machine Records collected her backing band from. While real Napoleon looking, eye liner wearing, spandex leather clad musicians like Ratt and Poison are regulated to playing county fairs and have to work day jobs. In all honestly, I don't hate Grant, I actually think he's a smart guy and hell... if I was asked to play guitar for Kelly Clarkson or Rhianna, sign me up because I could use those checks. I just wish pop tarts like Taylor Swift and Katy Perry would stop trying to act like they need a band of teenage wannabe hipsters with expensive clothes and vintage instrumnents behind them to add credibility to their songs. Come on, we all know mega-producers like Dr. Luke and Max Martin wrote those tracks for you. Yeah, I'm a bit jealous. And I should have kept my mouth shut about it. After throwing a couple of barbs back and forth it wasn't long before Taylor Swift's personal fan club army of 14 year old girls came after me and let me have it with some serious trash talking. I even had to close my Twitter account. So there you have it. Taylor 1: Luke 0. I learned my lesson. But Grant, next time the band is in town, let me come up on stage for just one song. I promise I'll plug in for it.